Unpacking 2016…

FullSizeRenderAs the days roll forward into a new year and 2015 becomes a distant memory…I keep looking upon my (somewhat) empty calendar lying before me and wonder how I will feel at this time next year. What will 2016 have meant to me?

To summarize 2015 in a few words it would be this…moving on. There were ups and downs in 2015. There were seasons I learned a lot about who I am, and seasons I sat in a funk and felt like forward momentum would never find me again. I decided to take this leap of faith and jump into blogging again, then I fell silent for the holidays as we made it through.

Sometimes blogging can be hard for me because I put so much pressure on myself to say the right thing, convey my thoughts in a “readable” manner. But I decided this year I will simply write. WRITE. As I feel led, about whatever I choose. I think, no, I KNOW I’m over-analyzing this and I’d enjoy it so much more if I just shared from my heart. So if I never get a comment, a like, or any feedback, I have to be okay with that. One day this will be a type of journal I can look back on and see where I’ve come from and see the growth that I’ve accomplished. I’ll see my girls grow…and I’ll have a written reminder, a stone of remembrance of sorts. I mean, who wouldn’t want to share these cuties with everyone?

Christmas Eve 2015

Christmas Eve 2015

In 2016 I want to work on loosening the grip on attempted control (this also plays back into my blogging and my need to have it all “perfect” to publish it.) I want to be fully present in moments, embrace spontaneity and fully experience the ups AND downs of life as they come, not as I try to control them. I have a perfectionist personality and sometimes it rears its ugly head in the form of wanting to control situations. While I’m learning that we can’t control anyone or anything around us, I want to apply that to me as well….from relationships, to parenting, to plans….as Elsa would say, I need to “let it go.” (Yes, I am sure you are now singing that song in your head. You are welcome.)

I want to be satisfied where I am, in the big and the small of life, knowing that the small is where the magic happens. We all spend our days pining away for the next thing. I know I am guilty of it. How many times have I said when my kids are old enough to ____, when my house is finally ____, when I get it together I’ll finally _____. We aren’t guaranteed our next breath, why waste days waiting for things to come when I can surrender today…to the messy, the beautiful, and all the in betweens. I want to be fully satisfied in each day, not looking to the next to provide or focusing on the past that I can’t change, but to embrace the todays that I’m given. I get to CHOOSE how I react to each moment of today. I want to be sure that when I lay my head on my pillow at night that I have embraced life, whether through laughter or tears, that I fully lived that day.

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3:30am, TX to AL or bust…

I have two little girls who watch me. Always. I’ve never been more keenly aware of it than recently. We lost my aunt very suddenly over the holidays (I’ll write on that soon) and the girls and I traveled by car from Texas to Alabama for her funeral. There were many conversations as we prepared to go to the funeral and as we spent hours on the car ride there and back. As they, in their child-like ways, processed through death, their questions to me made me realize how much they truly watch me and imitate my movements. I’ve always known this, but on this trip it was magnified, as I waded through my own grief, how much they truly see of me. Another reminder of how my view of the world, my processing of life, has an impact on how they will one day see the world and how they will process life. No one is an island I am going to try my very best, through successes and failures, to lead them to be fully all in and not miss what God created them for in their lives.

I hope that when I arrive at 2017, and I am writing this same post about the coming year, that I see great delight in 2016. Not that it was all good, and not that it was all bad…but that I lived, fully, in each day, through each moment, the ups and the downs. We only get one chance to live these days here, I want to make them count. As Glennon would say, life it brutal and life is beautiful….so I embrace this brutiful life for all it is.

 

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